&& breathe (aeroth)

[Silver]

Syx

Frightened of yourself. How could a horse live like that? He was afraid of himself, of his capacity for failure. He was afraid of the hurt that he could cause, and the pain that he might have to take. He was afraid of rejection, of rejecting, and of not being enough. Not simply for himself, though that was a valid fear that he struggled with on a daily basis. He was afraid of not being enough for someone else. How could he ever be that stallion that looked after his mate if he was not enough for her?

Syx stood in the twilight, the black and white of his coat muted into different shades of grey. Owls were starting to hoot softly, adding to the echo of the crickets and the different night time sounds. His eyes watched both sides of his position, but he wasn’t frightened. It was spring, but it was early enough that most of the more dangerous animals were still holed up in hibernation or were with their families gorging on some other predator, waiting for the spring litters to become easy prey. Syx himself wasn’t easy prey, but sometimes he wondered if he would be able to hold his own against a foe that was out to eat his hide.

It was quite the predicament that he found himself in that night. Things were at odds within his mind; an imaginary battle between two opinions had been raging constantly since that morning. Earlier on he had seen a pair of equines grazing together, and the longing to have someone else like that, someone that would be dependent on him, thudded in his chest. On the other side of the attack was the crippling fear that he was just wrong for everyone, or that something would happen while a - a someone - was in his care. He just couldn’t win on either count.

“If I had a someone, I could find out if I was enough.” He spoke partly to clear his thoughts, and partly to break the uncomfortable silence that had settled in and curled itself around his body. Suddenly it was very hard to breathe. Syx struggled to catch a deep breath; panic started to well in his throat. The lump crept up, blocking his efforts to take in air. Whinnying nervously, the stallion leapt into a canter. The pace was enough to keep the lump from climbing higher, but he was still in danger of hyperventilating. In a last-ditch attempt to clear away the panic, he pushed his limbs into a grinding gallop. Grass flew up from the places where his hooves tore up the ground, falling like confetti. His lungs screamed for air and finally, blessedly, he could breathe. He sucked at the air like he would never get another mouthful. It rushed into his lungs so quickly he coughed. His eyes watered and he slowed to a shaky walk. His entire body quivered. Syx stopped moving and gave in to the wobbling. He sank to his knees and rolled onto his side. He breathed heavily for a few moments, trembling. These panic attacks were not unusual, but as of yet he still had not found a way to control them. His fear was his enemy.

ooc: so um... it started off a little slow, but by the end he had the grace to show me that he has panic disorder. yeah. still a sweetheart, but a little more quirky than i thought. innyhoo, voilà! i can't wait for this.
word count: 544
tag: aeroth

[seelestudio]

I knew you were trouble when you walked in; So shame on me now; Flew me to places I'd never been; 'Til you put me down

The setting sun had always been something that Aeroth had a love hate relationship with. Tonight, however, Oath was rather enjoying herself. It was as if the forest was alive with a sad song she couldn't help loving. She tried to hum along to its melody, but it escaped her and she soon gave up and watched the forest in silence.

Silence was something she liked, though she often begged the world to scream just so she felt less alone. Aeroth had no clue why the world Frightened her so much, she remembered a time when she could be alone and not feel the crushing weight of it. She wondered if it was her ex-lovers fault, but in the end she knew he wasn't to blame.

She shook her head to rid it of the troubling thoughts and tried to focus back on the forest, only to find an eerie silence. Oath's ears pined slowly as she looked around for someone, anyone. She found no one, not even the buzz of an insect. She tried in vain to stay calm, but soon she started hyperventilating and tunnel vision set in. She was starting to whimper when she saw him.

She knew it was only in her mind but she swore the fading sun lit him up is just the right way to make him look stunning. A stallion black and white fell to his knees just a few yards away. She couldn't tell that her savior had just had a panic attack as well, all she cared about was that he saved her. Well at least in her mind, she was sure that he hadn't even seen her yet. She was content to stay back and watch the stallion, she could have watched him forever.

Thoughts, " Speech", Actions
Words; 295
OOC; Stalker, but at least I finally got this done, she fought me all the way O.o

Lyrics from I Knew You Were Trouble by Taylor Swift Stock by Eiande & Breathless-dk & ceara

[Silver]

Syx

Exhaustion gnawed at his bones as the aftermath sank in. Syx closed his eyes, wishing not for the first time that he could just fall asleep and never wake up. Knowing that the attacks could come at any moment made him nervous, something that did not help decrease the frequency of the attacks at all. His chest trembled with the effort of breathing again. For the life of him, all he wanted was just to give up. He couldn’t control the attacks, and he couldn’t help himself. He didn’t even have anyone that he could ask for help. The black and white stallion laid there, willing the blackness to swallow him whole and give him peace.

The darkness was not on his side, however. That night the moon came out in her full glory, displaying her moonlit skirt for all of the poor land bound beings that flourished underneath her smile. The light shone down, illuminating the area around him and lighting up the inside of his eyelids. With a groan, he cracked his eyelid open, allowing only a sliver of luminescence in. The brightness burned, and he was tempted to simply shut his eyes and wallow in self-pity and hopelessness. A light breeze floated over him and brought a new scent with it. His ears flew up and he analyzed the foreign smell. An equine, that was for sure. A female at that. She was also upwind of him. Slowly, he opened his eyes and swiveled his ears towards the source of the smell. He lifted his head and spotted her, standing not too far away from where he was. She was tall - perhaps as tall as he was - and she was beautiful. Her flawless white coat was dappled with a light reddish coat, and her mane curled down around her face and neck. Her blue eyes glittered in the moonlight, captivating in the way that they watched him. He almost forgot to breathe once more, but perhaps it was in a different way this time. It dawned upon him that he was still lying on his side, looking like a senile idiot. He cursed silently and rolled to his knees. Pushing himself to his feet, Syx grunted with the effort and swayed slightly as all of the adrenaline coursed out of him in one great wave. He wavered and his vision doubled for a moment. For a moment there were two beautiful mares standing before him, and then he had to shut his eyes in order to find his balance again.

His legs quivered underneath him, and he didn’t know how long that he would last upright. The stallion did know that long wasn’t long at all. Strength was not in large supply after one of his episodes. He forced open his eyes and looked at her - only her. That was the last thing that he could focus on; he fell back to his knees and closed his eyes once more as the world bobbed and swayed before him. “Help,” he said in a small voice. “Help.”

Whether he meant that he wanted to help her, or that he needed her help himself... Well, he didn’t know exactly. And at the moment he didn’t really care.

ooc: talk about a post fighting you... it got better when she stepped on the scene. i think that's a good sign.
word count: 539
tag: aeroth

[seelestudio]

I knew you were trouble when you walked in; So shame on me now; Flew me to places I'd never been; 'Til you put me down

Aeroth stood motionless simply watching the stallion. She watched until the moon came out to wash the land in soft white-blue. She wondered why he was here, about his name, what he was like, but all of that was normal for her. She wondered those things about everyone she watched, for she was far to shy to actually ask them. No, talking was out of the question for her, she was content with how her world worked.

Oath sighed and looked away, she was sure he wasn't going anywhere and honestly, staring at someone for that long was hard work. A smile touched her lips as a cool wind blew over her and she lifted her head high to inhale it's sweet scent. When it passed she looked back at the stallion and saw him shifting and lifting his head. She took a step back, almost frightened, but his eyes found hers and she was captivated just as he was. Why did he have to move? She tensed as he struggled to stay upright and took another step back.

When he fell she wanted to call out to him, but her voice stuck in her throat. She was afraid, afraid for getting close to anyone, physically and mentally. What if she did get close? What if she did fall in love? and then he just left, or worse, left her for someone else. This fear she could blame her ex for. She swallowed hard and focused on the stallion, trying to force her fears away. His words confused her though, she wasn't sure if he really needed help, or if he had said it for some other reason. She swallowed again and moved closer, within touching distance, but she just couldn't force any words out. I can't help anyone, I'm broken.

Thoughts, " Speech", Actions
Words; 301
OOC; Poor girl, sorry this late

Lyrics from I Knew You Were Trouble by Taylor Swift Stock by Eiande & Breathless-dk & ceara

[Silver]

By mutual agreement (and the promise of more foals for DG), we're calling this done.